These Are The Trailers From My Favorite 80s Movies

Oh, the 1980s. Wasn't that a great era to be a kid? Lost pirate treasure, magic books, personal karate masters, aliens with healing index fingers. Aside from living under the specter of nuclear proliferation by Sarah Palin's neighbors and rampant racial stereotyping, the world was an 80s kid's oyster, and this was reflected in the movies we watched.

We're all products of the cultures and eras in which we were born, and us 80s babies grew up in a world of puppets, aliens, and shape-shifting mogwais. We may not be able to ever recapture that innocence, but we can relive it through our friend YouTube!

So join me, dear readers, on an adventure into the imaginations of millions of kids, with a look at some of the trailers for some classic 80s films!

We'll start with the obvious...the 1982 classic "E.T. The Extra Terrestrial," the film that launched the careers of Drew Barrymore and Reese's Pieces. It also presented a new way of using a Speak 'n' Spell.



Man, I haven't seen this movie in ages.

Up next, we're going with a personal favorite. I still identify with this movie...bullied kid, love of books, luck dragon. I remember in first grade we illustrated our dreams, and my picture was myself riding on Falkor's back (if you call him a dog, so help me he is a LUCK DRAGON).



Here's another personal favorite...The Labyrinth! I figured I should show at least one film trailer featuring a girl protagonist. This movie also stars Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, and David Bowie's package...something I was both keenly aware of and thoroughly confused by at a young age.



The last trailer I'm going to feature is another personal favorite. Starring Cary Elwes, Robin Wright (before she was Penn), and Mandy Patinkin, along with a plethora of hilarious cameos, The Princess Bride has become a cult classic (though I do know someone who has never seen it!).



There you go, folks. I'd keep going if I could, but maybe another movie trailer entry will be coming along soon...? Perhaps one with more movies featuring kickass girls...maybe my co-blogger is up to that challenge??

Take A Tasty Break...With Tastykake! (And Betty White!)

Hello there, FVA! I just realized it has been over two months since I posted a "real" entry, and I apologize for slacking. But here I am, with a new entry featuring another regional product...and America's Sweetheart, Betty White.

The woman featured in this entry enjoyed a resurgence of popularity last year, when a Facebook campaign pushing for her to host SNL went viral. As an actress, she acted in some of the most influential sitcoms (Mary Tyler Moore in the 1970s, The Golden Girls in the 1980s) of the 20th century. Her career has spanned nearly seven decades, and at 89 years old she's still going strong.

At one point in her extensive career, she did a few spots for Tastykake. Tastykake is a company that makes some...well, tasty cakes. The company began in Philadelphia in 1914 and its products are sold primarily in the Mid-Atlantic and Northeastern United States. They are part of what I like to call the Philly Phood Triphecta - cheesestakes, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes (my favorite are butterscotch or jelly-filled Krimpets).

This first spot is from the Philly Food Show. This video also features a commercial starring former Phillie Mike Schmidt. I'm not sure of the year, but the video screams 1970s:



Here's another spot with our beloved Betty, telling us about Tastykake's commitment to using only the best and freshest ingredients:



So go ahead...take a Tasty Break...with Tastykake!

Buy Me That!

Hello there, my dear readers!

It's been a little while since our last entry, but I can explain! I promise! You see, me and Jess are still mourning the death of Macho Man Randy Savage. We've shut ourselves in, eating nothing but Slim Jims to honour our fallen hero.

Before I get to our entry for today, I'd like to apologize for something. You see, Blogspot gives me access to all sorts of statistics regarding the traffic to and from this blog. When you come to my blog from a search engine, I can see which keywords you were using. Among them, the most popular seem to be some variant of "hee hee hee oops", or "mr. christie rainbow chips ahoy commercial hee-hee-hee-opps".

The most popular commercial that we've written about is this one, featuring a lovable boy named Kevin who turns everything he touches into rainbow colours. Seeing this trend, I went back and re-read my entry. I was shocked to find out that the video for this commercial has disappeared! The user that I borrowed the video from had their account suspended due to multiple copyright violations.

Normally, I would be more than happy to simply replace this missing video with similar video from another user. The problem is, though, that I can't find that commercial anywhere! The internet is a giant cloud where you can find practically anything, as long as it's not this one commercial. I'd like to apologize for not having a video there. Rest assured that I'm still looking, and that I'll keep looking until I find it again!

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Ok, now that all that's behind us, let's talk about today's entry. Someone I love brought this particular gem to my attention a few weeks ago. I wanted to write about it, but, as I said, I was still in mourning.

Back in 1989/1990, HBO and Consumer Reports Television produced a series of specials called "Buy Me That". The purpose of these specials was to educate children about the reality of advertising. To the best of my knowledge, there were three seperate episodes. The one that I watched was the third one in the series, and it deals with food advertising.

I'll post the entire episode here. It's a half-hour long, but I really recommend that you watch it.



Part one of this special deals predominantly with two issues: brand loyalty and misleading advertisements. While talking about brand loyalty, host Jim Fyfe brings up the example of Coke versus Pepsi. He gathered two teams of children - one team was loyal to Coke, and the other one was loyal to Pepsi. He asked them to take a blind taste test to see if they could tell the difference between the two major brands and RC cola. Most of the kids failed the test, saying that they couldn't tell the difference.

The host also talked about misleading advertising. He talks about processed fruit snacks, and how the packaging for these products is covered in fruit. It's meant to give the illusion that these products are good for you, but in reality they're made up of mostly chemicals.



In part two, Mr. Fyfe discusses some of the contests that are supposed to draw kids to certain products. Imagine winning a million dollars from Cookie Crisp! He really drives home the fact that the odds of winning these contests are pretty much non-existant.

In another segment in part two, a mad scientist talks about all the chemicals that go into making a Twinkie. It's a pretty disgusting process, and it definately killed

any desire I've ever had for one.



Part three is the most interesting segment, I feel. If you only watch one segment from this special, this one should be it. Have you ever wondered how the burgers you see in the McDonalds and Burger King commercials looks so good? In this segment, we get a first-hand look at what goes on behind the scenes of those commercials. I always knew that something wasn't right in the commcericals. Those burgers always looked a little too perfect. This segment will show you exactly what goes on in order to get them to look like that.

This whole special really hit a note with me. I really like the way that they have presented all this information in a way that's not only educational, but fun. This video may be somewhat dated, but I think that everyone should watch it. If I had watched this as a child, I think my whole life would have turned out a lot different. Well, maybe it wouldn't have been that extreme, but it certainly would have changed my spending habits and my attitude towards advertisments.

Thank you, my dear friends. Until next time, keep well!

For those who don't know, the man featured in FVA's first post ever, Randy Savage, died in a car accident three days ago.

Patrick asked me to write something up, so here it is...rest in peace Mr. Savage!



Snap into the great beyond!!

Does everyone really love Marineland?

It's that time of year again! The mercury in the thermometer is starting to rise, and students everywhere are rejoicing because school is done!

In Southern Ontario, the place where I was born and raised, there was one extra sign that summer was coming. Around this time of the year, we were bombarded with commercials for Marineland.

Here's one from 1995!



These commercials are pretty exciting... for about two days a year. You see, the problem with these commercials is that they've been using the same song for almost twenty years.

Here's one from 1998, which, if memory serves me correctly, is still playing today. (There's a close-up of a scary clown at 0:12. Don't let him frighten you.)



...and here's one from just a few years ago.



I want to say that there's a whole lot more of these commercials, but really, they just show the same commercials year after year after year after year. Even when Marineland comes up with a new commercial, it's the same damn song that they use over and over again.

Hate these commercials as I do, they certainly make me miss home. Now that I've got my fix, I can officially start enjoying the summer!

Have you heard? The bird's the word.

Hello there!

Remember when cereal commercials, even for boring cereals, used to be fun? I do, and this is the perfect example.



Back in 1993, this series of commercials got a lot of play during my after-school cartoons. This is one of those jingles that I would often find myself singing to myself. I bet other people thought I was strange for that. (Then again, I'm 28 years old and people still think I'm strange...)

There's a lot of little things that I love about this spot. Of course, there's the music. The graphics are really well done, in that you can watch this commercial and immediately know that it's from the early 90's. Between the graphics, and those outrageous outfits the kids are wearing, you can certainly date this ad. It's just a whole lot of fun packed into thirty short seconds.

I like, too, that they end the commercial by advertising their limited-edition Aladdin cereal boxes. It just hit me that Aladdin was released about twenty years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, I offically feel old.

I love Corn Flakes, and I love listening to fun music. This commercial appeals to my love of both those things!

A tribute to Elmer Lynn Hauldren

Hello again, dear readers.

I had a really great entry about Corn Flakes that I was going to post today. I was going through some advertising blogs before I started writing it, though, and I came across a little piece of bad news.

Elmer Lynn Hauldren, spokesman for Empire Today, passed away a few days ago at the age of 89.


Mr. Hauldren wasn't the flashiest spokesperson the world has ever seen, (that title will always belong to the late Mr. Billy Mays), but he was certainly sincere about his love of quality flooring. He was born in Missouri in 1922, and served as a radio operator during the second World War. In 1977, Mr. Hauldren first appeared in his role as The Empire Man, a role which he continued to reprise until 2011. He actually wrote the jingle for Emipire Today's commercials.

I, personally, remember seeing his commercials all the time while I was living in Canada. His familiar face graced my television screen every day, be it in his human form or in his CGI form.

Elmer Lynn Hauldren may not be as well known as other advertising icons, but that man paid his dues to the advertising industry. I'm sure all of us who grew up watching his Empire Today commercials will miss him greatly.

Good night, sweet prince.

I JUST HAD A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR LUNCH - A tribute to the canned pasta of the 80's

Hello again, my dearest readers. I've been trying to write this entry for about a week, but I had some strange computer problem where it would get really hot and shut itself off. I'm happy to report that the problem has somehow corrected itself, and I'm able to watch videos again. That's good news for you!

I used to love canned pasta. Come lunch time, it was always exciting to hear the hum of the can opener and the plopping noises as delicious canned goodness fell into the microwavable Tupperware container.

On top of being delicious, I always thought that the commercials for the various canned pastas were fun too. I didn't realize how many kinds of canned pasta there were until I started poking around the internet.

Now, bear with me if you will. I'm not sure if all of these brands were available in both Canada and the US. The ones I'm posting now, I distinctly remember from Canada.



Oh, Smurf-a-getti... you were indeed my favourite, but I'm afraid I never got to spend much time with you. It seems like you were always being passed over in favour of your more generic counterparts.

This commercial, while fun sounding, looked really cheaply produced. Take a look at those breakdancing Smurfs. They really don't look like they were offically licenced by the Hannah-Barbara studios. The cans, on the other hand, look like they were well drawn.

Fun fact! "Schtroumpf" is the French word for "Smurf". How do you pronounce "Schtroumpf"? Don't ask me. I've been trying for twenty years.



Dino-getti was also one of the passed-over canned pastas in my household. Looking back, I suppose that it didn't make too much of a difference. No matter what kind of canned pasta you got, they all tasted the same.

I didn't think too much about it as a kid, but now that I'm a grown man, I'd pay good money to see a band of dinosaurs play a song about a glorified ketchup and noodles product.



Zoodles seemed the the de facto standard canned pasta in my family. As I said, it didn't make a big difference since all these pastas tasted the exact same. These were just regular animals, though. They weren't Smurfs, nor were they Dinosaurs. Just plain, old, wild animals.

And what's up with the Zoodles in chicken stock? Yuck.

Now that I'm older, I probably wouldn't go anywhere near this stuff. But back in the day... oh boy, I'd be all over it!

I don't really see many commercials for canned pasta anymore. I wonder if it was deemed unhealthy by a group of extreme, but well-meaning, parents? I'm too lazy to actually read up on it, so I guess we'll never know.

That's it for now. I'll see you next time!

The Action Never Stops... at Action Park!

Hey, everyone! It's my first entry as an official co-writer here at FVA!

I figured an entry featuring local advertisements would be a good way for people to get to know who I am. So I decided to feature advertisements from a New Jersey legend, for two reasons: first, to get into a bit of regional history, and second, to show some great locally-made commercials from the 1980s.

Action Park was an amusement park located in Vernon, NJ, in the northern part of the state. It opened in 1978 and closed in 1996, and was known by such monikers as "Traction Park," "Accident Park," and "Class Action Park." These nicknames were not without merit. Stories of accidents and injuries became the legacy of Action Park. Action Park was also featured in multiple Weird NJ magazine stories (the guys who created Weird NJ also hosted a TV series, "Weird U.S." in 2004-05!) throughought the 1990s and 2000s (for the record, Weird NJ is a popular magazine here in the Garden State, featuring strange trips around my fair state).

The park was also known for it's commercials and catchy jingles. I don't personally have any memories of these, but they ran in the mid-80s, so I would have been too young to remember. However, thanks to the wonder that is YouTube, these legendary locally produced commercials live on!

This first one is from 1983, the year of my birth. Here we see New Jersey residents (you can tell by the accents, there's a nice mix of both north and south Jersey accents, if you have an ear for that sort of thing). The motto at that time was "There's Nothing in the World Like Action Park." Check out the awesome computer-animated graphics, too!

Here's are two more from sometime in the mid-80s, featuring all the fun stuff you can do at Action Park, as well as a toe-tapping theme song. No mention of life-threatening injury, however:

Well, my friends, that should do it for this edition of Fun Vintage Advertising. I'm looking forward to writing about other fun commercials from the past as a regular here at FVA!

Stay alert, stay safe!

My friends of the internet, how do you do today?

I was poking around YouTube recently, and I stumbled upon something that really, really excited me. There is a user on YouTube called Retrontario, who has uploaded about 1700 videos and commercials from Southern Ontario/Western New York, which is where I was born and raised. You can just imagine my excitement as I carefully combed over pages upon pages of old videos!

This PSA is from Retrontario. Gert and Bert helped shape me into the careful, courteous person I am today.



Little Daniel is home alone, when an attractive woman comes to the door asking to use the phone. Oh no! What is he to do? Thankfully Gert and Bert are there to remind him that he must stay alert, even when he's home alone.

I remember being told to use the line, "My parents can't come to the door right now," all the time when I was growing up. I didn't second guess it ever, until just this very moment. Let's say your parents are home. If there's someone outside who's in need of help, wouldn't you get your parents? What would they be doing where they can't come to the door? To me, saying your parents can't come to the door seems like code for, "I'm not opening the door because I'm home alone!"

I'm not sure that this series of PSA ever played outside of Canada. I've tried to find information about Gert and Bert, but it's really hard to come by. A quick read of the YouTube comments suggests that maybe these two rabbits were exclusive to Canada. Also, it seems that they still play pretty regularly too! That makes me happy, because dispite the cheese factor of these PSA's, they certainly get their points across. Even as an adult, Gert and Bert play a huge part in my life. I find that when I'm in need of advice, the best place to turn is a couple of teenaged, hoverboard-riding rabbits.

Those damn laughing trees

Ladies and gentlemen, before I get into today's entry, I have an announcement to make. The staff here at Fun Vintage Advertising has doubled!

That's right. There are two of us workin' 'round these here parts now.

Jess Roz, who has contributed a couple of guest entries for us in the past, is now an official writer for FVA. Jess and I go way back, and I've always admired her writing style, her sense of humour, and her love of all things obscure. I've been toying with the idea of having a second writer for a while now, and I knew from the get-go that Jess would be perfect for the job!

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Today's commercial for Sunkist Fun Fruits used to really freak me out. Watch it, and you'll know why.



These kids are on the search for something called a fruitosaurus. So far so good, right? When they find a dinosaur, they get scared and run away. Now I'm confused. Is this dinosaur not the fruitosaurus? Do these kids even know what the fruitosaurus looks like?

I imagine, though, that stumbling on any sort of dinosaur would be scary. I'd probably run too. But into a forest full of laughing trees? Hell no! As scary as that dinosaur was, those trees are much worse. It was a good thing that the dinosaur (which may or may not be the fruitosaurus?) was friendly. Those laughing trees keep laughing, though, as if they're mocking the children.

This commercial straight-up gave me nightmares as a child. Not so much because of the dinosaur, but because of those damn trees. In fact, now that I've watched this commercial close to ten times tonight, I wouldn't be surprised if the nightmares started again.

And now that I think about it, do people still eat fruit snacks? I used to get them in my lunch all the time when I was a wee lad, but I don't think I've seen them in quite a while.

Over and over and over and over and over and over: A tribute to Barbie

Hello everyone!

You may be thinking to yourself, gee whiz, I didn't know Patrick was a big Barbie fan! I hate to disappoint, but sadly I was never into Barbie. However, guest-blogger Jess is! You may remember her from her Nickelodeon bumper entry from February.

My friends, Jess is back with an entry that will blow your mind with awesomeness.

Also, Barbie stole my dance moves.

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I asked Patrick if I could do this for his blog, and then I promptly forgot. Sorry, Pat! But then I logged into YouTube and it recommended some videos to me, which jogged my memory.

I was a pretty typical little girl when it came to Barbies. I liked playing with them. And recently, I've been finding myself watching old commercials on YouTube. My Barbie era was the late 80s through the early 90s, when my Barbies got terrible haircuts and met gruesome fates...I mean, I grew out of them. Yeah.

Barbie commercials from that era feature young girls, playing with their Barbies (and Kens!) in a world splashed with bright colors and catchy jingles. The commercials were all similar; there'd be two little girls, a Barbie that did something, and a song to tell you about what the Barbies could do. The commercials featured the little girls easily posing and moving their dolls around - something I could never get them to do in real life.

One of my favorite Barbies was Totally Hair Barbie, in her saucy neon minidress and long hair (down to her toes!) that you could style any and every which way. I had both Barbie and Ken. Check out the commercial...I could never make my Barbies' hair look THAT good!



She comes with Dep gel and has the longest hair in the world! I wonder if anyone really came up with such a variety of hairstyles. It's also worth mentioning that Totally Hair Ken had real (fake) hair! I'm pretty sure I ran out of Dep in about a week.

Here's another classic commercial for Shavin' Fun Ken. I imagine this is actually what goes down when dudes shave their beards. Ohh, Ken!



This commercial is from 1995. You can tell because of Ken's fashion choices. Hey, wait...I think Shavin' Fun Ken is just Totally Hair Ken with a fake beard, now that I look at it...they seem to have the same hair.

Here's another one from the early 90s, for Cut 'n' Style Barbie. I'm pretty sure that is a sinister young Amanda Bynes at the end (but I've been unable to find any sources confirming this). I'm not sure if I'd want her near my head with scissors...



The 90s will come back to haunt us, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...

And I'll conclude with this one from the previous decade. From 1986...Barbie and the Rockers! Check out how they "dance"!



Ken's enthusiasm for joining Barbie's band is intoxicating.

Well, that should do it for this go-around. I think I've put off studying for my exams long enough...

PARTY IN THE PSA, PART FOUR: I learned it by watching you!

I'm sorry it took so long to get this one up, but I've been busy with a lot of stuff. I know, it was irresponsible of me, but I promise I'll make it up to you!

Today, we're going to look at the grandaddy of all public service announcements. This is one we all know and love.




One thing that always bothered me about this PSA is that the father kept interrupting his son. I am, by no means, an expert on this subject. However, if I was writing this PSA, I would have done so in such a way that would encourage an open dialog.

They say that parents who use drugs have children who use drugs. I didn't think of it when I was younger, but seeing this PSA through my adult eyes, I really have to wonder if that fact is. Just because a parent does drugs, does that automatically predispose the children into using drugs as well? I wonder where I could find some statistics about this.

As I think I said in previous entry, I really wonder how effective these old PSAs really were. A brief look through the YouTube comments would suggest that they didn't quite get the job done. Here are some gems for your viewing pleasure:

"my dad bought me a pie when my mom caught me smoking and told me congradulations"

"why don't they just pool their money and smoke together. good father/son time right there. "

"haha it probly ended like when my dad first caught me with the reefer "alright son we got 20 minutes before your mother gets home, lets see how good this weed is" LOL "

The ideas behind these PSAs were well-intentioned, I'm sure. I just don't think they were all that effective. Of course, I'm saying that without having any statistics or concrete facts. I'm using my own experiences as my gauge. It's my blog, I can say what I want!

All that being said, though, this spot is still widely quoted and spoofed regularly. (Some examples that come to mind off the top of my head are Clone High and Scrubs.) It may not have won us the war against drugs, but it certainly gave us one of the most memorable lines ever spoken on television. And really, that's what's really important!

Tune in next week, when I get off my soapbox and go back to reviewing fun toy and cereal commercials! If you love Barbie, (and really, who doesn't?), then you're going to love our next entry!

PARTY IN THE PSA, PART THREE: This is your brain on drugs.

So how about these anti-drug PSAs? Are you enjoying them as much as I am?

Here's another classic from the 80's.



This PSA doesn't make a whole lot of sense, once you really think about it. If I'm understanding it correctly, drugs make my brain delicious and safe to eat. While I understand the message, I think that The Partnership for a Drug-Free America could have made their message a little clearer.

Evidently, I wasn't the only person who thought so. In 1998, they decided to re-tool their classic PSA.



Ha! Now we're getting somewhere! This time, they've done everything right. Smash the egg instead of cooking it. Destroy everything associated with the egg! It just makes so much more sense on a number of levels. Rachael Leigh Cook does a great job of driving her point home. Drugs are bad, and they'll destroy you.

I have one more PSA coming next week, and then we'll get back to some random commercials. I've got some real gems lined up, and maybe even a guest entry or two. Until then, stay off the pipe, and don't eat raw eggs!

PARTY IN THE PSA, PART TWO: I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!

Continuing on our special PSA arc, today I bring you one of the finest anti-drug PSAs ever produced.



This one, starring the Ninja Turtles (from the hit television show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), starts off just like any other PSA. There's little Joey, minding his business, when he is singled out by some random mullet-headed drug enthusiast. He tries to entice his little friend with something he's just gotta try. This guy has some balls, because he just pulls out a couple of joints out in the open! When Joey refuses, the mullet-headed kid calls him a chicken, and starts bock-bocking at him.

I'm now coining the phrase "bock-bocking". It's mine.

Joey's in quite the jam! Luckily, the Ninja Turtles are there to help, kinda. You see, Joey's dilemma seems to be nothing more than a show to teach children about drugs. One of the girls has the right idea, to get a teacher. Michelangelo suggests getting a pizza. Another child suggests that Joey get out of there. (I wanted to make a remark about how you're not supposed to get the pizza until after you smoke, but I'm a lot classier than that.)

When we cut back to Joey's little show, he speaks one of the most awesome lines to have ever graced the television airwaves: "I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!"

Say that to yourself a couple of times. Remember when you were growing up, and people called you a chicken? I bet you wish you had that line. I know I do.

All in all, this was a great PSA. Much like Pee Wee's PSA about the dangers of crack, this one also uses well-known characters to help drive the message home. And that line! After all these years, I have yet to hear anything that could top that line! I'm not a chicken! You're a turkey!

In April 1990, Michelangelo came back to television to continue the war against drugs. A cartoon special called Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue aired simultaneously on ABC, NBC, CBS, Nickelodeon, and USA Network which starred all the big cartoon names from the time, including Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Muppet Babies, Slimer, Alf, and Bugs Bunny. If you ever wanted to hear Michelangelo, Huey, Dewey and Louie sing a song together about how to say no to drugs, then seek this video out!

PARTY IN THE PSA, PART ONE: Doing it with crack isn't just wrong, it could be dead wrong.

Hello again, my dear readers.

Growing up, we were taught that drugs were bad. It seems like back in the 80's and early 90's, you couldn't watch TV without seeing some sort of PSA about drugs. A lot of them weren't very convincing, and had no real effect on us. There are some, though, that just stick to your soul. This is one of them.



I grew up watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. It was a strange show, and Pee Wee Herman was a strange, strange man. He was loud, and his attention span on the show seemed almost non-existent. Let's play with toys! Let's find out the word of the day! Let's watch a cartoon! Oh boy, a talking chair!

The contrast between his Pee Wee's Playhouse persona and the tone of this PSA is what makes this PSA so powerful. He's no longer a man-child with ADD. He's speaking as an adult who genuinely cares about our well-being. It was pretty powerful stuff, back in the day.

I'm not sure, though, that this PSA holds up anymore. In fact, have you noticed you don't see drug PSA's on television these days? I should do some poking around to see some statistics on how effective they were.

In the next little while, I'm going to review some other PSA's from back in the day. There are some real gems out there, so keep your eyes peeled for more PSA entries!

And when all my work is done, will you love me just for my body? I could live with that.

Long before the modern "Got Milk?" campaign, this old gem would play on TV all the time.



Being a very scrawny little pipsqueak in my childhood years, I feel like these milk commercials gave me a sense of hope. Maybe one day, if I drank enough milk, I'd grow up into a strong, attractive man. Maybe then I could seek revenge on the bullies, or I could get that attractive girl at the beach. There was nothing I wouldn't be able to do, because dammit, I drank milk.



The problem with this whole thing, though, was that I couldn't stand the taste of milk. Even as a child, the whole concept seemed strange to me. Think about this: one day, back in history, someone was walking by a herd of cows. As they passed by the field, they thought to themselves, "Hmm, I wonder what the secretions from that cow's nipples would taste like!" It's hard to imagine, isn't it? But somewhere down the line, this situation had to've happened. Don't even get me started on cheese!

It's funny to see how advertisements for milk have evolved since 1985. Instead of appealing to the benefits of drinking milk, sometimes you just need to try and make it cool. The Dairy Farmers of Ontario did just that a few years ago.



Just another reason Canada's awesome, eh?

I may not ever get the urge to sip on a nice, cold glass of cow nipple secretion, but I sure know a great advertising campaign when I see one. Those classic milk spots, my friends, were good stuff.

BUMPERPALOOZA, PART THREE: Better living through good TV

Today, we're going to wrap up Bumperpalooza with a guest entry by my good friend Jess. Because I grew up in Canada, and I didn't even have cable, I was never able to see anything from Nickelodeon. I missed out on all sorts of classic shows, including The Adventures of Pete & Pete, Clarissa Explains It All, and GUTS. Missing those shows were bad enough, because now that I'm living in the States, I can't talk about them with my friends!

When Jess sent me links to these videos, I realized that I missed out on some pretty epic bumpers. I think they were well produced, especially the Nick at Nite bumpers. I'm extremely grateful that Jessica offered to write about them!

Before I hand it over to Jess, I'm probably going to be snowed into my apartment until tomorrow afternoon. My area of Missouri is expecting about 20 inches of snow today, so maybe I'll spend the day updating this blog.

Ok, enough of me. Jess, take it away!

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From the age of about 7 on, I watched a LOT of Nickelodeon and Nick at Nite. Back then, Nick at Nite came on every night beginning at 8PM, and they still aired shows like I Love Lucy, Dick Van Dyke, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, etc. On Nickelodeon, Nicktoons had just started back then, it consisted of three shows (Doug, Rugrats,and Ren & Stimpy) which aired in a block beginning at 10AM Sunday morning.

One of the distinctive features of both Nickelodeon and Nick at Nite was the collection of bumpers from each channel. These bumpers, to borrow a phrase from Pat's recent entry, "served one main purpose: to reassure viewers that their shows would, indeed, return after a few short commercials."

First, we have a collection of bumpers from Nickelodeon. These would air between shows beginning about 6 in the morning until 8PM. There are a few block-specific bumpers (for example, the one at about 2:47 which explicitly advertises Nicktoons), but see if you remember any of these:



These bumpers are little slivers of my childhood. Those were Nickelodeon's golden years, in my opinion. I remember when they started SNICK and my brothers and I could stay up until 10PM on Saturday nights. I remember the premieres of shows such as Ahh! Real Monsters and Rocko's Modern Life and the ends of other classics such as Salute Your Shorts and The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Others of my immediate peer group(those American children born in the early 80s) should remember these, right? They'll probably get stuck in your head, fair warning.

After 8PM, Nickelodeon became Nick at Nite. Check out these bumpers from those years. I think they were likely done by the same folks:



The thing that sticks out to me with these (and the other bumpers FVA has been writing about) is how fast-paced and frenetic they are. The human mind can only take in and remember so much at a time, and so these bumpers were probably effective at ensuring long-term channel and brand loyalty. At the very least, they were effective in getting jingles stuck in our heads (but what would you expect after hearing the same eight-second jingle hundreds of times a day).

In any event, these bumpers serve to remind us that childhood television watching was made up of many different components, all designed to zap us at our core and stick with us forever.

BUMPERPALOOZA, PART TWO: We'll be back after these quick messages. Sheesh!

Welcome, friends. Today, we continue our bumpercentric blog-arc by talking about Dynamo Duck. For those who don't remember, our bird friend was used by Fox Kids back in 1992. Bridging the gap between cartoons and commercials, Dynamo was always on some sort of exciting adventure.

What I was surprised to learn, though, is that Dynamo's origins go back much further than 1992. Dynamo was created by a French film maker by the name of Jean Tourane back in the 60's. Back then, our feathery little friend was known as Saturnin le canard. It wasn't until many years later that the footage was purchased by Fox and edited into a series of bumpers and two-minute shorts.


Dynamo's probably best known for his trademark voice, played by Dan Castellaneta, who voices many of the Simpsons characters.



While I don't remember seeing Dynamo during Saturday morning cartoons (Saturday mornings were all about ABC for me), I remember seeing him a lot in my after-school cartoons. Everyday, when I'd watch my Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, and Fox's Peter Pan, I knew that Dynamo would be there, about to embark on some sort of wacky adventure.

Sure, he may have faded away into obscurity. And sure, his puns may have been pretty terrible, but I say that it doesn't take away any of his awesomeness. Dynamo, my friend, you were one hell of a duck.

If you're interested in checking out some more of Dynamo Duck's five second bumpers, go check him out at Retrojunk. I wanted to use the Retrojunk video, but I didn't like the way it automatically started to play!

BUMPERPALOOZA, PART ONE: After these messages, we'll be right back!

Hello, friends! Today, I have a special treat for you. I work the Saturday morning shift at an ABC affiliate, so I have the special privilege of watching quality programming such as The Emperor's New School, The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, and Hannah Montana. Between each show and each commercial break, there's a five second bumper, which I can only describe as a big, computer-generated concert featuring Hannah Montana. It's big and loud, and practically screams the name of the show at you.

(I tried to find a screenshot to describe what I'm talking about, but I couldn't. If you're really interested, get up at 8:00 on Saturday.)

Growing up, we had none of that fancy shmancy stuff. Commercial bumpers weren't big, complicated productions. They were simple, and they served one main purpose: to reassure children that their shows would, indeed, return after a few short commercials. The catchy song was just icing on the cake.



These bumpers were probably the most famous bumpers that ABC ever produced. I'm 28 years old (as of tomorrow), and I find myself humming the music from these bumpers every once in a while. According to my super-extensive research (Google), I found that these bumpers first went to air in 1988. They must have played for a long time, because I have very vivid memories of seeing them every single Saturday morning for years. My personal favourite was the one where the horse falls on the cowboy. "After these messages, we'll be right back" *whistle* *splat*. Pure gold, I tell you.

Today's series of bumpers don't hold a candle to the bumpers of yesteryear. When today's viewers turn 28, are they going to look back on Hannah Montana's computer-generated bumpers with the same sense of nostalgia? Probably not, because they're simply not memorable.

I would love to see ABC air a retro Saturday morning lineup. I'd give anything to watch The Real Ghostbusters, The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show, and Schoolhouse Rock. Of course, they'd have to include these bumpers as well!

My friend, this is going to be the closest shave you've ever had!

Today, I'm going to try something a little bit different. These commercials were made and aired long before my time, but I want to share them with the world anyway.

Back before the days of The Muppet Show, or even Sesame Street, Jim Henson was a busy man. In 1957, he was asked to produce some commercials for Wilkins Coffee. From 1957 until 1961, he produced close to two hundred commercials. Because of on-air time constraints at the time, each commercial was only eight to ten seconds long.



The two characters you see here are Wilkins and Wontkins. Wilkins, who I can only assume was a prototype for Kermit the Frog, is the guy who loves Wilkins Brand Instant Coffee. Wontkins is the blob-like guy who doesn't. Do the voices sound familiar? They're the same voices used for Kermit and Rowlf!

Henson's use of casual violence was pretty groundbreaking, considering the era when these spots used to air. I've always imagined that television in the 1950's and 60's was pretty vanilla, save for the occasional detective drama after dark. But these two creatures, fighting their coffee-related holy war, shamelessly go at it.

Indeed, the muppets have come a long way since then. It was these Wilkins commercials which really got his career going, and which ultimately landed him his job on Sesame Street. Jim Henson later went on to do work for, among other things, Star Wars, The Muppet Show, Labyrinth, and Dinosaurs. It's really amazing to see how far his muppets have come since 1957.

Hee hee hee! Oops!

Hello there, people of the internet! I hope you've had a bit of time to decompress after the holidays. (It's almost February!)

Today's commercial comes back from the early 90's. Mr. Christie, a man who has dedicated his life to the art of cookie making, took a great idea, and he made it better.



This is the story of Kevin, a happy-go-lucky, (and perhaps a little dumb) child who was cursed with a terrible condition. You see, everything he touched turned to rainbow colours. The poor kid couldn't catch a break!

While I loved this commercial back when I was a wee lad, there's a couple of things that bother me now. First of all, Kevin is just irritating! Second, he's clearly seen touching a cookie with one of his hands. Why doesn't that cookie turn to rainbow colours? It just makes no sense to me.

Can you imagine having this condition your whole life? If you thought puberty was awkward, you can only imagine how bad Kevin had it. And what about work? The only place he can really work is the tye-dye shirt factory! What kind of life is that? People don't even wear those anymore!

All that being said, I really loved the Rainbow Chips Ahoy cookies. I've said it before, and it's worth repeating: Mr. Christie, you make good cookies!